This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"


The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"


The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."


Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.


So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.


The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.


So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.


And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."


The guy asks" Eileen who?

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. 
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.


When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.


Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".


The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

one kiss per yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old woman standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandma will pay the bill."

lemon juice

One Sunday morning, an old single lady  goes to confession and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different men." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass, and drink the juice." "Will that cleanse me of my sins?" "No," replies the priest. "But it’ll wipe that BIG SMILE on  your face."

its the dog..

A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied, "Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing." "Shoot the gorilla?" "No," he answered, "Shoot the dog!!!."

raise the dead

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.


Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. 


Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. 


Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

secrets

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a
walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"
one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

trees !!!!

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.


The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."


The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

just the regular kind

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

the end is near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

be strong

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing you on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

its on fire..

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

rules to remember

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

deeply mourn

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

just kidding

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of a respectable university, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

the best news

The boss is finally fat enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him.

Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,"

"We will always remember you," etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, Serge, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?" 

No more alligators

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

the sweetest man

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

drunk guy

There was a drunk guy in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If my wife finds out, she’s going to kill me.”
“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”
So the drunk guy goes home and tells his wife  that there was another drunk person who pukes into his shirt and give him $20 bill for the cleaning, while he handed two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he shits in my pants, too.”

a really bad day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

two dealers

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive  woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars  on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

child support

A divorced father to his son “ Son, when you come home to your mother, you give this check to her and tell her since you’re already 18 years old , this will be the last check for child support. And look at her face what will be her reaction!!

Then the son went back to his mother. “ Mom, dad said since Im already 18 years old, this will be the last check, and he tells me to look at your face, what would be your reaction !!

Then his mother replied : The next time you visit him, you tell him thanks for all the child support even if he is not your real father. And look at his face what will be his reaction! 

pretty ugly

Wife: Honey, am I pretty or ugly? 
Husband: uuuhhhmmm.. both.. 
Wife: What do you mean by both? Sometimes I’m pretty and sometimes ugly? 
Husband: I mean, you're pretty ugly !!!

the secretary

A boss confused about his math asked his secretary: 
If I give you 875,000 dollars less 16%, how much would you take off? 
The secretary eagerly replied “everything sir!!

Secret for having your marriage last

A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 14 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery

Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery :

1)Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2)"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

3)Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

4)Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

5)Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

6)Oh no! Where's my Rolex.

7)Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

8)There go the lights again?

9)"You know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."

10)Fire !! Fire !! everybody out !!

Wedding disaster

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer”, the man began, I can explain. 
“Quiet!” snapped the officer. I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back!! 

But, officer, I just wanted to say, 

And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!! 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you, the chiefs at his daughters wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back. 

“Don’t count on it “, answered the guy in the cell. I’m the groom.!!!

Insurance

A doctor having a vacation on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. So what are you doing here?" asked the lawyer. The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Wow," he asked, "So how did you start the flood?"

Wife won the lotto

Wife shouting ……. Honey pack your things !! I won the lotto!!!

Husband : Wow !! What would I bring.. and where are we going ?

Wife : I don’t  care what you’re going to bring just get the hell out of here !!!

Mental asylum

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup.'
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'No.' said the director, 'a normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

Grass Eater

 

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. 
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man. 

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. 

"Oh, please come to my house!" 

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..." 

"Bring them along!" the rich man said. 

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in." 

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

The End is Near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. 
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. 

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

naked girl on a taxi

A naked girl rode on a taxi
"Why" asked the girl to the driver who's staring at her.
"Is it the first time you have seen a naked women ? "
The driver replied " No maam , I was just wondering where the hell your keeping your money for the fare "

the bet..

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank
because, she said , she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman
replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his 
testicles, turning them this way and that , checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the
president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one
made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to
drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president "Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against
the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that
and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the
balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"