Wednesday, August 24, 2011

the best news

The boss is finally fat enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him.
Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,"

"We will always remember you," etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, Serge, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?" 

Monday, August 15, 2011

No more alligators

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

Friday, August 12, 2011

the sweetest man

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

Monday, August 8, 2011

drunk guy

There was a drunk guy in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If my wife finds out, she’s going to kill me.”
“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”
So the drunk guy goes home and tells his wife  that there was another drunk person who pukes into his shirt and give him $20 bill for the cleaning, while he handed two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he shits in my pants, too.”

Sunday, August 7, 2011

a really bad day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Saturday, August 6, 2011

two dealers

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive  woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars  on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed...
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Thursday, August 4, 2011

child support

A divorced father to his son “ Son, when you come home to your mother, you give this check to her and tell her since you’re already 18 years old , this will be the last check for child support. And look at her face what will be her reaction!!

Then the son went back to his mother. “ Mom, dad said since Im already 18 years old, this will be the last check, and he tells me to look at your face, what would be your reaction !!

Then his mother replied : The next time you visit him, you tell him thanks for all the child support even if he is not your real father. And look at his face what will be his reaction! 

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

pretty ugly

Wife: Honey, am I pretty or ugly? 
Husband: uuuhhhmmm.. both.. 
Wife: What do you mean by both? Sometimes I’m pretty and sometimes ugly? 
Husband: I mean, you're pretty ugly !!!

the secretary

A boss confused about his math asked his secretary: 
If I give you 875,000 dollars less 16%, how much would you take off? 
The secretary eagerly replied “everything sir!!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Secret for having your marriage last

A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 14 children and was blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."