tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80220542066364098722024-02-08T12:25:34.192-08:00jokes for alllogan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-79416834197718268982012-09-20T21:48:00.002-07:002012-09-20T21:48:57.261-07:00<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">* You met him in prison.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">* He tells you that he's never told a lie.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">* A prison guard is shaving your head. </span><br />
logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-76048022475044235162012-04-24T23:56:00.001-07:002012-04-24T23:56:16.804-07:00<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;">A man had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout."</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;">"Why's that?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."</span></span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-57396279099508121182012-04-01T21:11:00.000-07:002012-04-01T21:11:40.399-07:00<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial; text-align: justify;">There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial; text-align: justify;">The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. <b>The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless, </b>therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."</span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-15112088560407305252012-02-29T22:40:00.000-08:002012-02-29T22:40:15.955-08:00<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; clear: both; color: #1a1a1a; float: left; font-family: PoynterOSTextTwoL-Roman, 'Myriad Pro', Arial; line-height: 25px; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 10px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 410px;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: Roman; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: large; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"? </span></span></span></div><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: white; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Roman; font-size: large; line-height: 24px; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; clear: both; float: left; line-height: 25px; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 10px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 410px;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; clear: both; float: left; line-height: 25px; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 10px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 410px;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"? </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; clear: both; float: left; line-height: 25px; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 10px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 410px;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I’m going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; clear: both; float: left; line-height: 25px; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 10px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 410px;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no". </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; clear: both; float: left; line-height: 25px; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-top: 10px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 25px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; width: 410px;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-color: transparent; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; line-height: 1.5em; list-style-image: initial; list-style-position: initial; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Ahhh okey !! Do you have any grapes"?</span></span></div></span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-87804674723881095252012-02-17T16:14:00.000-08:002012-02-17T16:14:13.758-08:00<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large; text-align: justify;">The Short History of Medicine</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;">2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;">1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;">1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;">1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;">1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;">2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this root.</span> <br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: justify;"><br />
</span></span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-86382631578635120652012-02-06T23:09:00.000-08:002012-02-06T23:09:58.359-08:00<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;">It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;">The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;">St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;">He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;">St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;">"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; text-align: -webkit-left;">"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."</span></span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-19346837408580393912012-01-31T23:21:00.000-08:002012-01-31T23:21:00.972-08:00<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: -webkit-left;"><span style="font-size: large;">A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"</span></span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-11683494567689547142011-12-28T19:12:00.000-08:002011-12-28T19:12:01.325-08:00<span style="font-size: large;">This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says" Have you seen Eileen?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The guy is rather confused and asked " Eileen who?"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben and when he says Ben who you say I bend over and you kiss my butt.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">So the guy goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">And the Bartender said " Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The guy asks" Eileen who?</span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-71276225929562816212011-12-19T18:50:00.000-08:002011-12-19T18:50:02.584-08:00<span style="font-size: large;">A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."</span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-67899755108672901112011-12-01T02:25:00.000-08:002011-12-01T02:25:25.192-08:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."</span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-13224601915198830702011-11-22T21:45:00.000-08:002011-11-22T21:45:44.481-08:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"</span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-46615095343060417832011-11-15T20:08:00.001-08:002011-11-15T20:08:52.525-08:00one kiss per yard<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old woman standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandma will pay the bill."<o:p></o:p></span></div>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-52983018442994910752011-11-08T03:14:00.000-08:002011-11-08T03:14:01.548-08:00lemon juice<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">One Sunday morning, an old single lady goes to confession and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different men." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass, and drink the juice." "Will that cleanse me of my sins?" "No," replies the priest. "But it’ll wipe that BIG SMILE on your face."<o:p></o:p></span></div>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-57020420238294676402011-11-05T20:25:00.000-07:002011-11-05T20:25:36.975-07:00its the dog..<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied, "Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing." "Shoot the gorilla?" "No," he answered, "Shoot the dog!!!."<o:p></o:p></span></div>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-87755397940777528032011-10-29T17:35:00.000-07:002011-10-29T17:35:00.640-07:00raise the dead<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."</span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-89761690726343936142011-10-24T17:33:00.000-07:002011-10-24T17:33:29.911-07:00secrets<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."</span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-85309604520123437272011-10-21T23:31:00.000-07:002011-10-21T23:31:00.519-07:00trees !!!!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."</span>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-77027701168623917252011-10-19T23:29:00.000-07:002011-10-19T23:29:48.040-07:00just the regular kind<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-63810869276342772132011-10-09T22:11:00.001-07:002011-10-09T22:11:59.089-07:00the end is near<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-57686008275251490562011-10-07T17:33:00.000-07:002011-10-24T17:34:55.011-07:00be strongAn escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.<br />
<br />
Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing you on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just co-operate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."<br />
<br />
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-30462781723345788602011-09-28T00:33:00.001-07:002011-09-28T00:33:11.341-07:00its on fire..<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the drunk. "Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk. "Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."<o:p></o:p></span></div>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-46485398815920387532011-09-15T23:14:00.000-07:002011-09-15T23:14:08.972-07:00rules to remember<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.<o:p></o:p></span></div>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-86584469367988410252011-09-13T20:16:00.000-07:002011-09-13T20:16:26.578-07:00deeply mourn<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?” The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?” The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-42385133392174898492011-09-02T01:13:00.001-07:002011-09-02T01:13:48.183-07:00just kidding<br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of a respectable university, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."<o:p></o:p></span></div>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8022054206636409872.post-17168332387372849662011-08-24T17:52:00.001-07:002011-08-24T17:52:30.540-07:00the best news<br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The boss is finally fat enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same," <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">"We will always remember you," etc. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, Serge, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?" <o:p></o:p></span></div>logan23http://www.blogger.com/profile/13246232215623647943noreply@blogger.com2