On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.


When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.


Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".


The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

one kiss per yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old woman standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandma will pay the bill."

lemon juice

One Sunday morning, an old single lady  goes to confession and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different men." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass, and drink the juice." "Will that cleanse me of my sins?" "No," replies the priest. "But it’ll wipe that BIG SMILE on  your face."

its the dog..

A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied, "Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing." "Shoot the gorilla?" "No," he answered, "Shoot the dog!!!."

raise the dead

Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.


Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. 


Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. 


Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

secrets

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a
walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"
one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

trees !!!!

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.


The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."


The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."