Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery

Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery :

1)Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2)"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

3)Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

4)Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

5)Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

6)Oh no! Where's my Rolex.

7)Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

8)There go the lights again?

9)"You know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."

10)Fire !! Fire !! everybody out !!

Wedding disaster

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer”, the man began, I can explain. 
“Quiet!” snapped the officer. I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back!! 

But, officer, I just wanted to say, 

And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!! 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you, the chiefs at his daughters wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back. 

“Don’t count on it “, answered the guy in the cell. I’m the groom.!!!

Insurance

A doctor having a vacation on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. So what are you doing here?" asked the lawyer. The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Wow," he asked, "So how did you start the flood?"

Wife won the lotto

Wife shouting ……. Honey pack your things !! I won the lotto!!!

Husband : Wow !! What would I bring.. and where are we going ?

Wife : I don’t  care what you’re going to bring just get the hell out of here !!!

Mental asylum

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup.'
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'No.' said the director, 'a normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

Grass Eater

 

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. 
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man. 

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. 

"Oh, please come to my house!" 

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..." 

"Bring them along!" the rich man said. 

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in." 

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

The End is Near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. 
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. 

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

naked girl on a taxi

A naked girl rode on a taxi
"Why" asked the girl to the driver who's staring at her.
"Is it the first time you have seen a naked women ? "
The driver replied " No maam , I was just wondering where the hell your keeping your money for the fare "

the bet..

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank
because, she said , she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman
replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his 
testicles, turning them this way and that , checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the
president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one
made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to
drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president "Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against
the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that
and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the
balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"