Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery

Things you don't want to hear during your own surgery :

1)Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2)"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

3)Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

4)Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

5)Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

6)Oh no! Where's my Rolex.

7)Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

8)There go the lights again?

9)"You know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."

10)Fire !! Fire !! everybody out !!

Wedding disaster

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer”, the man began, I can explain. 
“Quiet!” snapped the officer. I’m going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back!! 

But, officer, I just wanted to say, 

And I said be quiet! You’re going to jail!! 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you, the chiefs at his daughters wedding so he’ll be in a good mood when he gets back. 

“Don’t count on it “, answered the guy in the cell. I’m the groom.!!!

Insurance

A doctor having a vacation on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. So what are you doing here?" asked the lawyer. The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Wow," he asked, "So how did you start the flood?"

Wife won the lotto

Wife shouting ……. Honey pack your things !! I won the lotto!!!

Husband : Wow !! What would I bring.. and where are we going ?

Wife : I don’t  care what you’re going to bring just get the hell out of here !!!

Mental asylum

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup.'
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'No.' said the director, 'a normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'

Grass Eater

 

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. 
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man. 

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. 

"Oh, please come to my house!" 

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..." 

"Bring them along!" the rich man said. 

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in." 

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

The End is Near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. 
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. 

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"